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The Sculptor Hypothesis

MichelangeloI decided to look into the life of Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni because he is so famous for his art.

He had a lot of real talent and was a hard worker.

His sculptures in particular were enough to make me want to know more about him.

I went to the library and asked the librarian if she had an autobiography written by the man himself.

She said that in general she does not trust autobiographies because there is obviously an inherent bias.

She suggested instead that I read more modern authors that never have an ax to grind and thus will be objective.

First I found that Michelangelo was not an artist at all, but the founder of a phallic mushroom cult.

Then it was stated by several authors that the work was actually done by other people.

Francesco Granacci, Giuliano Bugiardin, Raphael and others are said to have actually split the architecture, painting, and sculpture pretty evenly amongst themselves.

In fact, Michelangelo never even existed.

Then I found something even more astounding – no one did the art attributed to the so called Michelangelo at all.

The “sculpture” of David was accomplished solely by natural processes. Notice how the foot isn’t quite fully formed.

Venus of Milo is an example of random forces of wind abrasion and rain ablation making the likeness of a woman, albeit imperfect. You can see she has no arms.

The Old Man of the Mountain on Mount Cannon in New Hampshire is (was) a perfect example, at least until recently when his nose fell off.

Let’s not forget the images from the Mars Rover with faces in them.

So, it is conclusive, the “Sculptor Hypothesis” is no longer needed to explain the existence of remarkable likenesses of men and women.

Consider that people themselves are much more wonderful and intricate than an image of them, yet humans are the product of natural processes; therefore, we should not be surprised that statues can be as well.

–R.E. Olsen

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