Honest Advice with Sugar and Spice: Relationships

By Olyvea and Ethan

Olyvea Pancerella and Ethan Faulkes answer questions on homeschooling, dating, and life in general. Olyvea says, “One of the most unique things we can contribute is male and female perspectives on questions and ideas.” Send them your questions at polyvea@gmail.com.

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QUESTION 1

Hi!

My best friend and I have a crush on the same guy. He asked me out yesterday I said I really liked him, but I want to take things slow. Really I was just buying time because I don’t know if I should go out with him and risk losing my friend. I don’t want to break her heart, but I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her? Hide it? or tell the guy I can’t go out with him?

Thanks,

Anonymous

Olyvea,

I think you did the honorable thing by not just rushing into a relationship with the guy. You should talk to your friend and ask how she would feel if you went out with him. Hopefully, your friend will be OK with you dating him. If she’s not cool with it you need to ask yourself is this guy is just a passing crush? Or do you like him enough to pursue something with him regardless of the risk of losing your friend?

Ethan,

I don’t think you should have to get your friend’s permission to go out with him. Let her know what’s going on and don’t hide that you’re going out, but if she’s really your friend she’ll understand. Try to be considerate and gentle when you tell her, but you shouldn’t have to get her approval. Besides, if you tell him you can’t go out with him he’s not going to ask her out instead. It’s not helping anyone for you to give him up for her.

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QUESTION 2

Hey,

My boyfriend and I are going to go to the same local college. We’ve been together forever and I really, really love him, but my friends who are already in college keep telling me I will want my freedom in college to date and do what I want and I won’t want to be tied down with a relationship and lose the whole college experience. I think they might be right. I know that to gain the freedom I have to lose him, but I love him. I just don’t know what to do.

Help,

feeling selfish

Olyvea,

When you say you don’t want to miss out on “the whole college experience” what exactly do you mean? Do you feel you’ll miss dating other people and seeing what’s out there? Do you think you’ll miss out on going out with friends? Being in a sorority? You need to really ask yourself what you’ll be missing by being in a relationship. You can still go out with friends and be young while being in a relationship. Once you decide what exactly it is you’re looking for sit down and think about whether that is more important than being with your boyfriend. If it is that’s OK.

Ethan,

Are you sure you aren’t just feeling the peer pressure to be a stereotypical single college student? Make sure what you’re doing is for you and because you want it, not because your friends say that’s what you want. If you’re feeling that way maybe you don’t love him as much as you think. Maybe you should “take a break.” Just be warned if you ever decide the break’s over he may have found somebody else. You need to be prepared to let him go if a break is what you want.

“Peer pressure and social norms are powerful influences on behaviour and they are classic excuses.” -Andrew Lansley

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QUESTION 3

So, here’s the thing. When I was in 7th grade I really liked this girl from church, but I acted really stupid. I would pick on her, embarrass her, and one time I even threw an avocado to her and it hit her in the head. I admit I probably threw it too hard because I was a jerk, but I didn’t mean to hurt her. She started to cry and I got in trouble and she didn’t really talk to me after that. Now we’re in 11th grade and I see her twice a week at church. She has finally started to talk to me again, but I think she’s still mad about the avocado incident because she’ll make comments about it sometimes. I still like her and I want to ask her out, but I’m afraid she’ll reject me because I used to be so mean. How do I convince her I’m not the same jerk I was before?

Thanks,

Andy Moore

Olyvea,

I’m glad that you realize what you did when you were younger was NOT the proper way to flirt with girls. It’s good you’re trying make things right. You just need to take it slow and try to be her friend. Allow her to see your caring and gentler side. Hopefully, she’ll realize you aren’t the same person you were back then.

Ethan,

I’ll admit I laughed a little when I read this. It’s funny how mean us guys can be before it dawns on us that we can’t treat girls like we treat our best guy buds. As for what to do, you should try to make her laugh about it. Not at her, but at you and what a jerk you were. Definitely apologize sincerely after you’ve laughed a little about it, but REALLY try not to laugh while you are apologizing. After that build a bit of a friendship with her and try to be very kind. After you’ve become friends ask her out. By then she should realize you’ve grown up.

“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” -Charles Dickens

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Olyvea Pancerella and Ethan Faulkes are both 16 and both going into 11th grade. Olyvea has been homeschooled since first grade and Ethan has been homeschooled since third grade. Email any questions to: polyvea@gmail.com

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