Honest Advice with Sugar and Spice

By Olyvea and Ethan

Olyvea Pancerella and Ethan Faulkes answer questions on homeschooling, dating, and life in general. Olyvea says, “One of the most unique things we can contribute is male and female perspectives on questions and ideas.” Send them your questions at polyvea@gmail.com.

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Question 1

Hi,

My boyfriend cheated on me, but I don’t know if I can forgive him. I always said that I’d never forgive a guy if he cheated on me. I always thought “once a cheater always a cheater.” I never thought that I’d even question whether I should forgive a guy. I feel like forgiving him would be compromising what I believe, but, if I’m being honest, I still really love him and I miss him. I also feel like it’s partially my fault because I wouldn’t hook up with him because I don’t believe in doing that before marriage. This day and age most guys don’t really accept that and I feel like even if I don’t forgive him every other guy will do this to me too. We’d been dating a little over a year and things were going great until this happened. I just don’t know what to do.

Please help,

Torn

Olyvea,

You can’t forgo your beliefs for anyone. You shouldn’t feel like what he did was in anyway your fault. You will find a guy who’ll respect your beliefs. On whether you should forgive him or not is something you really need to look inside yourself for the answer. Try to think about whether this is something he’ll do again or was this just a one time thing. Even if you believe he wouldn’t do it again you still need to think about whether you can move past it. I don’t think you are obligated to break up with him just because you always thought you would. Things tend to not be as black and white as they seem when you are in the situation. Whatever you decide to do, don’t ever think what he did was your fault or feel pressured to do something you don’t want to.

Ethan,

Well, I would like to know, did he tell you on his own or did you find out from someone else? I think that makes a big difference. If he told you on his own it could mean that he feels honestly sorry for what he did. Take that into account when you’re deciding whether or not to forgive him. It is most definitely not your fault that he did that. If you decide not to take him back there are plenty of guys that believe like you.

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Question 2

Hey,

I really liked this guy from my youth group and I was thrilled when I found out he liked me. We started going out about 3 months ago and it has been OK, but I just don’t like him like I thought I did. I feel really bad that I don’t like him anymore because he still likes me, but I don’t think it’s fair to stay with a guy I don’t really like. So, I want to break up with him, but I don’t want things to be awkward at youth group. How do I tell him I don’t want to be together anymore and stay his friend?

Thanks,

Cammy

Olyvea,

I think if you ask to meet with him in person and are gentle about it you might be able to stay cordial. It’s never going to be like it was, but if handled correctly it shouldn’t be awkward. Don’t text it to him or just change your Facebook status to “single” because then it will be very awkward. Just tell him you think he’s a great friend, but you think it would be best if you went your separate ways. I’m not saying you can be best friends after, but you can probably keep it from being awkward.

Ethan,

I honestly don’t think there is any way to break up with someone and not make it a little awkward. That being said, I don’t think you should live a lie either. I think you should just break up with him in person and try to be gentle, but it will still be awkward after. It will probably fade with time, but you need to do what’s right for you regardless of hurt feelings.

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Question 3

Hey,

Me and my boyfriend started dating a few months ago. I know it hasn’t been long, but I really like him and trust him. I feel like our relationship is going really well. He gives me all the attention I need, he’s open and honest, and pretty much does everything right. Except I have one problem. He still talks to his ex girlfriend, like, a lot. I didn’t think much of it because he was always honest about talking to her and never tried to hide it. Until a friend of mine pointed out that his ex still likes him. Obviously, I can’t know for sure, but all signs point to that she still likes him. I don’t think he likes her anymore, but I don’t think I like him talking to a girl who is head over heels for him. Especially since he used to like her. I don’t really know how to deal with this. I feel like if I tell him it’ll make tension in our relationship and since it’s so new I don’t know that that’s a good idea. But at the same time I think if he keeps talking to her she might try to make a move on him or something. How do I get him to stop without making a fight? Or should I just try not to be insecure since he does everything else right and put up with it?

-confused.

Olyvea,

You can’t just put up with something you’re not comfortable with and hope it will go away. It will just end up eating at you until it does cause a problem. You need to tell him how you feel. Say that you don’t want to make a fight, but it’s bothering you. You have every right to ask him to stop. Approach the issue gently, but firmly. Don’t be hostile or accusatory. As long as you handle it right it shouldn’t be an issue.

Ethan,

A guy hanging out with his ex can never end well. He really shouldn’t need you to ask him to stop. He should know it’s a bad idea. I think you should definitely talk to him about it before someone makes a mistake. If he refuses then I think you know where his loyalties lie.

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Olyvea Pancerella and Ethan Faulkes are both 16 and both going into 11th grade. Olyvea has been homeschooled since first grade and Ethan has been homeschooled since third grade. Email any questions to: polyvea@gmail.com

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